✍️ Sarnia de la Mare FRSA Teller of Tales 🍿

                                         The Dilemma of the Disappearing Derrière  A Mills and Swoon short by Sarnia           It began, as these things so often did, with a bottom. Not Honoria’s, which was widely agreed to be both pert and philosophically unassailable, but the alabaster posterior of the Duke of Bellington, recently immortalised in marble by one Miss Lavinia Crimble—sculptress, troublemaker, and owner of the most expensive collection of scandal in Sussex. The statue, titled Man in Repose, had been commissioned for the gardens at Brimwell Abbey, and depicted His Grace reclining against an improbably convenient vine, entirely nude save for a suggestion of toga and an expression that suggested deep thought or mild constipation. Lady Honoria, attending the unveiling for the champagne and a chance to ogle the nobility in daylight, leane...

Lady Honoria Bellweather’s chief concern, apart from the ever-expanding mildew patch in the east wing of Bellweather Hall, was not to fall in love. Love, after all, was for servants and poets, neither of whom had to maintain a viable bloodline, or tolerate the Dowager Marchioness’s dinner conversation.                                                         It was therefore particularly inconvenient when, upon entering the ballroom at Carrion House—her gown artfully ruched to imply innocence while aggressively suggesting otherwise, Honoria slipped on a dropped profiterol and landed in the arms of a man who was, by all accounts, thoroughly beneath her. Major Dominic Arlesford had the kind of reputation that required the use of italics when discussed in polite society. He had been “posted abroad” for reasons that seemed to involve a diplomat’s daughte...

  Three Flat Whites by Sarnia de la Mare, a Mills and Swoon Short Romance Story Clara Smith was not, by anyone’s account, tech-savvy. She had once tried to scan a QR code using her SLR camera, and once reported her Kindle as 'smoking' when it was, in fact, her kettle boiling. Things were improving though as she had roped her sister's four year old into giving her smartphone lessons. She could now text, search Google, and even purchase ceramic hedgehogs on eBay. And today, Clara was confident. She had downloaded an app. All by herself. Not just any app, mind you. Plenty of Lovely, the thinking woman’s dating platform. So many men, so little time, so many dentists, vets, and doctors working with Medecins sans Frontieres. She uploaded a photograph where she was smiling holding a ceramic hedgehog. It had taken three days of selfie practice, some with props, many in different outfits, and most looking like she was passing wind. “GSOH, loves adventure, loves quirky vintage, and c...

Mills and Swoon: “The Duke of Dunstable’s Seduction” by Sarnia de la Mare, for Tale Teller Club Publishing. Lady Antonia Bellweather had three secrets, well a lot more than three but I will break readers in gently. She couldn’t ride side-saddle without swearing. Her French maid was actually from Glasgow. And she’d once had a highly inappropriate dream about the Duke of Dunstable involving marmalade and a velvet chaise. (It was a strange dream that also involved the butler, but luckily, things had become hazy at that point.) Sadly, the Duke had yet to reciprocate any marmalade-based fantasies, though he did occasionally stare at her bodice as if trying to recall where he’d left his monocle. Her Ladyship had spent all season attempting to draw more of the Duke's attention. She had even asked assistance of her friends, a lady of ill repute and even her French maid (just in case the things they say about Glaswegian girls was actually true). The Season was in full swing. Antonia’s dance...